Wedding Satirist Gifts

"And do you, Goldie, take Harry, for all he's worth?"

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

'On second thought, maybe we should see other people.'

'Maybe our wedding was too expensive.'

"No, I don't. And I'll tell you why."

A woman reads a magazine in the park

"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to acknowledge the fact that no other person will ever be capable of erasing that feeling of utter existential loneliness eating away at us at night when we can't fall asleep."

Passer By At A Wedding Service

'That will be all Perkins - you can put her down now. . .'

That is quick!

Just married to get into the country.

'I know I agreed to an open marriage, but I didn't think you'd have a date on our wedding night.'

'And do you, Snake, take this worthless bitch...'

'Do you, Robert, take Amanda to be your fifth lawfully wedded wife?'

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'