Ironic Wedding Humorist Gifts

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'Never mind singing it in rap... a simple 'I do' will suffice.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

The Canine's version of cans tied to the back of a wedding car driving off with Cats attached

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'He does.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'You may now kick the bride.'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

Man with lobotomy scar - "Changed my mind."

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

The Aisle

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'