Web Analytics Gifts

'The mean age of our visitor is 50. It seems like when they turn 50 they get mean.'

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

'From an aesthetic perspective, it has heart, beauty and intrigue, but is it a viable process design?'

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

"I'm sorry, JB, we still haven't worked out how we did it."

'As you can clearly see, our profits continue to climb well into the third quarter.'

Id/Ego/Superego.

'In celebration of Thanksgiving, this week's pie charts are all pumpkin flavored!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

'Well done! This works much better.'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'He's working on the great American requirements document.'

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

Information vs. confusion

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

"I'll need all the information you can find on why I need so much information."

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

'I'll crunch the numbers and get back to you.'

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"Heads, we go with the analytics. Tails, we don't."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

"I'm just sitting here collecting vast amounts of metadata. And what are you up to?...Oh, I already know."

'Pick up Carlson on the end, he's got proven performance data.'

"Remember, data doesn't tell the whole story."

"Finally, a co-worker who CAN handle Big data!"

'The sales team did all they could, so I'd have to say the blame for that must fall on the consumer.'

Data security officers run frantically out of reactive data security room, while another data officer relaxes in the predictive data security room.

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'