Data Analytics Gifts

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

Data mine - Gold mine.

Data security officers run frantically out of reactive data security room, while another data officer relaxes in the predictive data security room.

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

"While I appreciate your offer to whack our bad data, I think a good scrub will be sufficient."

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

"We tried crowdsourcing the data, but the crowd turned into an angry mob and threw bogus data at us."

"Every time I click 'accept' for these online user agreements, a piece of my soul dies."

'Crusher' Collins: Data custodian by day, data bouncer by night.

Grocery store has no data team to help with customer's shopping experience.

Although skeptical at first, Emma was beginning to see the benefits of bluetooth beacons in her shopping experience.

"I've uploaded dozens of subsets of data and analysed a myriad of factors. I'm 98% certain the answer is 56. . . Now we just need to work out the question."

"Invasion of privacy? You should be flattered we're so concerned about satisfying your consumer desires!"

"I'm just sitting here collecting vast amounts of metadata. And what are you up to?...Oh, I already know."

'We let viewers skip our ads in 15 seconds because by that time we've already collected all the browsing data we need!'

"I did a quick search for my lost requirements documents and I found them right away, but how do I get rid of the ads now?"

"I feel that showing my family data reveals more than a mere photograph can convey."

"... and thanks to the Great Anton with his powers of levitation, our customer intelligence numbers are up for the fourth consecutive month."

'He's working on the great American requirements document.'

'This new water cooler streamlines the gossip process - we get all the numbers and none of the fluff. The R.O.I. just sky rocketed!'

J.D. Power & Associate

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

The Anti-Agent

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

British savings accounts

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"My email is down... talk to me."

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Human Error .. Yet Again.'