Web Analyst Gifts

'The mean age of our visitor is 50. It seems like when they turn 50 they get mean.'

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."

'Just like the website, lots of visitors, few conversions.'

'He's disappointed because he heard that site had a high bounce rate, so he thought it had a lot of cleavage.'

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

The Anti-Agent

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

'Human Error .. Yet Again.'

"The report is clear that cyber crime is on the increase, it's a worry."

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

Olivia just hacked into the boy scouts' site and sold them 30,000 boxes of cookies.

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

"Does anyone know anything about spyware?"

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

"Check the setting. I'm sure the CIA isn't hacking into our appliances just to burn your toast."

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Wouldn't it be cheaper to apologise to the Middle East?'

CIA, 'Confound it, Ruggles -- we're SUPPOSED to be worrywarts'

A Little Extra

"Good artists borrow, great artists steal."

"Thanks for considering me for the job as head of cybersecurity, but I already hacked into your network and gave myself the job."

"To retrieve password: Please answer your secret question, which is, 'what is your password?' hahahaha!"

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

"We occasionally remove content that is considered to be subversive, or a potential threat to public order and national security."

"Mr. Miranda....we are using 'schedule 7' to hold you on suspicion of knowing someone who knew someone who was a whistleblower...."

Aggression/Security

'Is that a suspicious package in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?'

Bureau of Disappearing Civil Liberties.

The Best Defense

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

Big Brother.