Watching Funny Shows Gifts

'Does that mean no sex tonight?'

"...but how do we know he's the peeping tom sarge?"

Zombie standup

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

Pet Entertainers

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

"Then add one extra large egg..."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'He's all eyes!'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

Hitchcock's The Birds

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

BLEAK PROSPECTS: DOWNSIZING FOR THE NINETIES

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

'We've got a 50 inch hd lcd 3d t.v with 200 channels and there's nothing on.'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."