Watching Comedy Gifts

'Since you stole my identity I thought I'd bring you the rest of the package.'

Doctors confirm two glasses of wine daily has health benefits.

"Trust him to make a spectacle of himself."

"Gordon had a to-do with that new Italian family at number twenty-three this morning..."

The last word

'Oh, please! Not another of your 'my colleagues hate me' stories! I'm sure it's all in your head!'

'Not only did he steal my heart, he also talked me into donating my liver!'

'This man is from the state government, He wants to know why you haven't filled out a no fault accident report,'

'How come you get the easy job?'

Doctor.

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

"He's a pretender to the throne...not a serious threat."

'Our budget is being swallowed up bu management costs, if we're to avoid laying off staff we need to make savings...'

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

Achilles Goes to the Podiatrist

"Don't dig there, dig it elsewhere. You're digging it round and it ought to be square."

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Occu-Pie Mars

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'