Enjoying Comedy Shows Gifts

'Okay, now ma'am. . . you said the description of the subject was a bearded male, with a 'Mom' tattoo and was wearing a police uni. . .hey. . . wait a minute!'

Zombie standup

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

Humans Queue To Use Portable Toilet While Dogs Queue To Use Tree Portable Toilet

"He looks just like your husband."

Pet Entertainers

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"We get fantastic indoor facilities during the cold months."

TV and cleaner

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'Try one - they're crunchy on the outside with a chewy centre.'

'Hey Dad, Mom's got a new hobby...still life painting...er, Dad?'

Hitchcock's The Birds

'This snuff video you sold me just shows people taking snuff.'

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

"Fish needs bigger hole."

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

Before he was taken away, Dr. Stuart Trust was the last known doctor to make HOUSE CALLS.

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Surgeons prepare for the world's first loopendectomy. Objective: Remove that part of the brain that plays the same snippet of music over the over and over.

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

My client vigorously denies your charges. He says he has great respect for what makes you special. He knows that you like Amy Winehouse, watching The Office, secondhand clothes. You're reading off my Facebook page. He knows you're on Facebook. You're both off my friends list.

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."