Comedy Watching Gifts

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Occu-Pie Mars

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"How can you be out of wings?"

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

They hated me.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Showbiz Awards

"Greetings, I'm the bluebird of dank memes."