Watching Comedy Pillows

'Since you stole my identity I thought I'd bring you the rest of the package.'

Doctors confirm two glasses of wine daily has health benefits.

"I still think he got his own sitcom just 'cuz he's Latino."

"His majesty wants to binge-watch some comedy. Can you whip up 10 hours of new material?"

"Trust him to make a spectacle of himself."

"Gordon had a to-do with that new Italian family at number twenty-three this morning..."

'Hmm. . . no criminal record. I'm concerned you lack commitment.'

The last word

'Oh, please! Not another of your 'my colleagues hate me' stories! I'm sure it's all in your head!'

'Not only did he steal my heart, he also talked me into donating my liver!'

'This man is from the state government, He wants to know why you haven't filled out a no fault accident report,'

'How come you get the easy job?'

Doctor.

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

"He's a pretender to the throne...not a serious threat."

'Our budget is being swallowed up bu management costs, if we're to avoid laying off staff we need to make savings...'

Stephen Fry

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

Achilles Goes to the Podiatrist

"Don't dig there, dig it elsewhere. You're digging it round and it ought to be square."

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."