Seeing The Funny Side Gifts

'He's all eyes!'

"I need to tinkle."

The practical psychopath

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

Hitchcock's The Birds

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

"Times were hard for old Sid....He had to get a part-time job!"

'I don't mind being sent off Sir - but not during the warm-up!'

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

'Does that mean no sex tonight?'

"I still want grandchildren.

"You keep changing your story, flower, so I'm gonna ask you one last time."

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

"You understand this was just business."

'I'd like to return this snake. It's suffering from reptile dysfunction.'

"...but how do we know he's the peeping tom sarge?"

"Emergoplatzkyduble." "Bori gluk!"

Be polite to your acupuncturist at all times. A basic life lesson hard learned.

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

'Oh dear.'

'I told Dad the box was too big. He must think we're trying to catch a vegetarian.'

'Oh, Jeez, that is SO STUPID!!!... Let me see it again.'

'Dad, I found this funy video in the gift shop. It's your surgeon's 'Operating Room Blunders, Bloopers, and Bleepers'!'

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

"Are you in denial about how much trashy TV and junk food you consume?"

Careers advisor to schoolgirl: 'Have you considered becoming a kiss-and-tell slapper?'

'Don't worry about that, Doctor. It's just a tattoo.'

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

'Oh, do you do Sumo?'

Opportunity. All I need is your credit card number!

'Where was I on the night of April tenth....Uhmmmm....Can I phone a friend?'

Sign reading 'No loitering police, take notice'.