Seeing The Funny Side T-Shirts

'He's all eyes!'

"I need to tinkle."

The practical psychopath

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

Hitchcock's The Birds

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

"Times were hard for old Sid....He had to get a part-time job!"

'I don't mind being sent off Sir - but not during the warm-up!'

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

'Does that mean no sex tonight?'

"I still want grandchildren.

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

"You keep changing your story, flower, so I'm gonna ask you one last time."

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

"You understand this was just business."

'I'd like to return this snake. It's suffering from reptile dysfunction.'

"...but how do we know he's the peeping tom sarge?"

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"Emergoplatzkyduble." "Bori gluk!"

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

'Oh dear.'

'Oh, Jeez, that is SO STUPID!!!... Let me see it again.'

'Dad, I found this funy video in the gift shop. It's your surgeon's 'Operating Room Blunders, Bloopers, and Bleepers'!'

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

"Are you in denial about how much trashy TV and junk food you consume?"

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

Careers advisor to schoolgirl: 'Have you considered becoming a kiss-and-tell slapper?'

'Don't worry about that, Doctor. It's just a tattoo.'

'Oh, do you do Sumo?'

'Where was I on the night of April tenth....Uhmmmm....Can I phone a friend?'

Sign reading 'No loitering police, take notice'.

'Great aim. Totally tweetworthy.'