Watching Funny Shows T-Shirts

'Does that mean no sex tonight?'

'I told Dad the box was too big. He must think we're trying to catch a vegetarian.'

"...but how do we know he's the peeping tom sarge?"

Zombie standup

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

Pet Entertainers

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

Must-See Lockdown TV.

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'He's all eyes!'

Hitchcock's The Birds

'This snuff video you sold me just shows people taking snuff.'

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

BLEAK PROSPECTS: DOWNSIZING FOR THE NINETIES

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

Clownton Abbey

'We've got a 50 inch hd lcd 3d t.v with 200 channels and there's nothing on.'

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."