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Police Lineup

Marriage Crash Investigation

Zombie standup

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

Pet Entertainers

TV and cleaner

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

Hitchcock's The Birds

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

BLEAK PROSPECTS: DOWNSIZING FOR THE NINETIES

'We've got a 50 inch hd lcd 3d t.v with 200 channels and there's nothing on.'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

'In the event of a new Gulf War, Letterman and Leno agreed to reduce their arsenal of middle eastern jokes and stockpile them for possible use later...'

'Of course I've done something about Lady Godiva -- I had security cameras installed all over town!'

"Just watching old stuff from 2019."

'Does that mean no sex tonight?'