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Police Lineup

Marriage Crash Investigation

Zombie standup

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

Pet Entertainers

TV and cleaner

Must-See Lockdown TV.

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

Hitchcock's The Birds

'This snuff video you sold me just shows people taking snuff.'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

My client vigorously denies your charges. He says he has great respect for what makes you special. He knows that you like Amy Winehouse, watching The Office, secondhand clothes. You're reading off my Facebook page. He knows you're on Facebook. You're both off my friends list.

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

BLEAK PROSPECTS: DOWNSIZING FOR THE NINETIES

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

'We've got a 50 inch hd lcd 3d t.v with 200 channels and there's nothing on.'

Clownton Abbey

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

'In the event of a new Gulf War, Letterman and Leno agreed to reduce their arsenal of middle eastern jokes and stockpile them for possible use later...'

'Of course I've done something about Lady Godiva -- I had security cameras installed all over town!'

'Hmm. . . no criminal record. I'm concerned you lack commitment.'

Stephen Fry