Wartime Comedian Gifts

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art though, Romeo? Seriously, wherefore art thou? Shakespeare in the Dark.

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

COWMIKAZES

"While you were out, Mr. Sundberg, the little hand went from the one to the three."

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'I'm on my break, Sam... I'll call you back when I start work.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"Mind if I read a little?"

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'