Wartime Comedian Pillows

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"While you were out, Mr. Sundberg, the little hand went from the one to the three."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

COWMIKAZES

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'I'm on my break, Sam... I'll call you back when I start work.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"Mind if I read a little?"

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'