Wannabe Indiana Jones Gifts

"Rusty old carts, full cans of soda, little packets of nuts...MY GOD! Stanley, this must be the Forgotten Tomb of Inflight Service!"

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

'Do you think he's ready for the big round-up?'

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

All Les's dreams of stardom were coming true, and he'd only played one note.

As Seen On TV

'I could have been the next Neil Young, but my ol' man made me take singing lessons.'

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

Harrison Ford, no question. Tom Selleck, without a doubt. I don't care if they did offer Selleck the role first, Ford was a much better "Indiana Jones." Ford was ok, but his character was less than manly. What are you talking about? That's ridiculous! Harrison Ford was the definition of eighties manliness! You're telling me the "definition of eighties manliness" could run around the world for weeks and months at a time ... and never once grow anything more than a little stubble? I think maybe yo

"You're like the grandpa I never had, Mort." "You never knew your grandpappy, Randy?" "Oh, no, I knew him. Grandpa Randy was an intrepid archaeologist who broke hearts and defeated villains all over the world." "‘Indiana Randy’s’ life story became the stuff of legend. They even made some movies based on his exploits." "I'm just saying you're nothing like him." "I was going to see those films back in the '80s, but the matinees were past my bedtime."

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'It's not just that he plays games all the time, it's the games he plays. He's not playing 'Guitar Hero,' he's playing 'Guitar Sidekick''.

House building chart (like steps).

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

Musician sings off key while his dog can only watch,his jaws strapped together

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

"I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill."

Before and After Tattoos.

"Well they say everyone has a book in them."

'Confessing your sins in a folk ballad was an interesting idea, Larry, but I'm afraid your singing has forced me to add one more sin to your list!'

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

Joel's mum was very strict. . . No homework, no air guitar.

'Selma never had a lesson in her life. She picked up all that noise on her own.'

"He says he thinks he could be the next James Bond."

'Jon likes to think he's 'rock 'n' roll'.'

'I like to think of myself as Tiger Woods' greatest nightmare - although I'd don't know why he'd ever dream about me.'

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'