Wannabe Golf Legend Gifts

'I like to think of myself as Tiger Woods' greatest nightmare - although I'd don't know why he'd ever dream about me.'

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

"He built his own airplane from a kit."

'Almost anyone can learn to play golf, and you're the 'almost'.'

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

As Seen On TV

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

'I could have been the next Neil Young, but my ol' man made me take singing lessons.'

'If he starts early enough, he could be the next Rory Mcilroy.'

My First Boat

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'It's not just that he plays games all the time, it's the games he plays. He's not playing 'Guitar Hero,' he's playing 'Guitar Sidekick''.

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

'If he's going to be another 'Tiger' he has to start young.'

'Ms. Brown memo to all staff:'FORE'.'

Before and After Tattoos.

Too many beers at lunch?

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

'Son, as I can see it, your career prospects as a pirate seem to be... hm...limited!'

'Selma never had a lesson in her life. She picked up all that noise on her own.'

A ball's best case scenario.

Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis.

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

Golfing Work-out

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

"I've got a part in a soap."

"I've never actually run but I understand the marathon mentality."