Wannabe Coach Gifts

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

'Almost anyone can learn to play golf, and you're the 'almost'.'

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

'The 'most improved player of the year award' or the 'you don't suck as much as you did last year award' goes to...'

As Seen On TV

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

Wisdom for dummies

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

Before and After Tattoos.

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

A young boy shaving

Driving School Car being Followed by Wreckers.

'Nice 'power tie', professor.'

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

'But look, Sire -- a whole lot of people have you down as their fifth choice!'

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'

"I've got a part in a soap."

"My Dad would like to borrow a cup of milk...and a cook book."

"I'm thinking of forming a cult, Doreen."