Wannabe Coach Pillows

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

'Almost anyone can learn to play golf, and you're the 'almost'.'

As Seen On TV

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

Wisdom for dummies

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

Before and After Tattoos.

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

A young boy shaving

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

Driving School Car being Followed by Wreckers.

'Nice 'power tie', professor.'

'But look, Sire -- a whole lot of people have you down as their fifth choice!'

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

"I've got a part in a soap."

"My Dad would like to borrow a cup of milk...and a cook book."

"I'm thinking of forming a cult, Doreen."

"I can try all I want, but there's no way I look smooth on this bike!"