Waking Up Comedian Gifts

Rise and shine

They hated me.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

Snowprov

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

Alarmistclock

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"Hold on... did you mean to hit Snooze or Jazz?"

The Cat's Alarm Clock

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."