Wait Staff Gifts

"Hello. My name is Maury, and I'm going to be your crazy person today."

"Your meal will be out shortly. The salmon was a little wilder than we anticipated."

Lunch at P.J. Puberty's

'Guess who just graduated cum laude from Sunnydale Obedience School?'

"Look, Baldo, there's no shame in forgetting your mother tongue."

"In today's global economy...maybe you should learn to speak-a-lay la Espanola."

"Give me the menus—you've kept the chef in suspense long enough."

"I'd like the Parmesan grated, if you don't mind."

"Well, I wouldn't eat any of it."

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"How can you be out of wings?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'You wanna play another round?' 'Sure....tender, another round!'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'A cheeky red?'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

'Your French dip, sir.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Diner.

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'