Waiter Gifts

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

"Is the homework fresh?"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Avez-vous French toast?'

"Don't you just love it when they lick the plates?"

"I''' have the misspelled 'Ceasar' salad and the improperly hyphenated veal osso-buco."

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

"Can the chef prepare it in some way no one has ever prepared anything before?"

Cigars before lunch? I didn't want you to smell the burnt casserole.

"I'm allergic to penicillin—is there penicillin in the salad?"

"The knuckle sandwich looks good."

"And what would suggest, Mr Smartie pants"

"Excuse me, we're out of water."

"It's a full-bodied wine with hints of acrimony, partisanship, and moral outrage."

"Can I bring you something else to complain about?"

'Hi, my name's Krystyn, and I'll be the nutritionist liaison to your waiter tonight.'

"O.K., Everybody. Stand back! Let it breathe."

'Do you have a longer straw?'

"The fish - will it be the market price at the time of ordering, the time of eating or the time of paying?"

"This is delicious. I'm glad I didn't try to order in Italian"

'Excuse me, could everyone be quiet, I'm trying to talk on my cellphone.'

'To my favorite waiter I leave the usual 20 percent.'

"I'll have the chicken Tamiflu."

"It's a good idea to tip first. That way I know what level of service you expect."

"This brand has a clean balance sheet, a lively marketing plan with tasteful notes of originality, and a strong fiscal-year finish."

'Did you tip the waiter?'

'Now, what's Italian for pizza?'

'Sorry, smile's off...'

"Hello. My name is Maury, and I'm going to be your crazy person today."

Not in Service

'...Okay...so who had the thirteen bottles of Chardonnay?'

"Sorry folks-it's not what you ordered, but everyone is getting fettucine until we fix the computer."

'Today's specials are based on information that we believe to be reliable, but are not intended to be, nor should be construed to be, a recommendation.'

"Something from the supplement cart?"

'Easily annoyed by nearby texting guests or not easily annoyed by nearby texting guests.'