Waiter Gifts

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

"Is the homework fresh?"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Avez-vous French toast?'

"I''' have the misspelled 'Ceasar' salad and the improperly hyphenated veal osso-buco."

"Don't you just love it when they lick the plates?"

"Can the chef prepare it in some way no one has ever prepared anything before?"

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

Cigars before lunch? I didn't want you to smell the burnt casserole.

"I'm allergic to penicillin—is there penicillin in the salad?"

"The knuckle sandwich looks good."

"Excuse me, we're out of water."

"It's a full-bodied wine with hints of acrimony, partisanship, and moral outrage."

'Hi, my name's Krystyn, and I'll be the nutritionist liaison to your waiter tonight.'

"Can I bring you something else to complain about?"

'Do you have a longer straw?'

"O.K., Everybody. Stand back! Let it breathe."

"The fish - will it be the market price at the time of ordering, the time of eating or the time of paying?"

"This is delicious. I'm glad I didn't try to order in Italian"

'Excuse me, could everyone be quiet, I'm trying to talk on my cellphone.'

'To my favorite waiter I leave the usual 20 percent.'

"I'll have the chicken Tamiflu."

"It's a good idea to tip first. That way I know what level of service you expect."

"This brand has a clean balance sheet, a lively marketing plan with tasteful notes of originality, and a strong fiscal-year finish."

'Now, what's Italian for pizza?'

Not in Service

'Sorry, smile's off...'

'Today's specials are based on information that we believe to be reliable, but are not intended to be, nor should be construed to be, a recommendation.'

"Hello. My name is Maury, and I'm going to be your crazy person today."

'...Okay...so who had the thirteen bottles of Chardonnay?'

"Sorry folks-it's not what you ordered, but everyone is getting fettucine until we fix the computer."

"Waiter, I'd like to order, unless I've eaten, in which case bring me the check."

"Something from the supplement cart?"

"No, I'm not the waiter. I'm the genetic engineer. How would you like your lamb?"

"That will be perfect. We have a lot to talk about."