Wagging Comedian Pillows

"You know, your poker face is useless if you keep wagging your tail."

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

The Adventures of God

Optimist

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"He was a rescue."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'No need to shout.'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

"...and this is Sheila. She's my main squeeze."

"I didn't have much of a life before Corky, so he was a rescue."

Funeral for a Cartoonist

'Please, darling, don't give up, just one more try. Perhaps an egg and lettuce this time...'

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

"We should get together sometime and pee on things."

Doggy Peer Pressure

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

"I have no skills. . . only tricks."

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

'I'm teaching him to give me a doggie treat when I stay perfectly still...'

'This one keeps dog time.'

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"

'Well it was his request to be burried in a flat-pack coffin.'

The jungle grill!