Wagging Comedian Gifts

"You know, your poker face is useless if you keep wagging your tail."

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

The Adventures of God

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"He was a rescue."

'No need to shout.'

"What do you mean you've got the dog house-trained?"

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"...and this is Sheila. She's my main squeeze."

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"I didn't have much of a life before Corky, so he was a rescue."

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

'Please, darling, don't give up, just one more try. Perhaps an egg and lettuce this time...'

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

"I have no skills. . . only tricks."

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

"We should get together sometime and pee on things."

Doggy Peer Pressure

'I'm teaching him to give me a doggie treat when I stay perfectly still...'

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."

'This one keeps dog time.'

"Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have nibbled those mushrooms."

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"

The jungle grill!

'Do you have any more photos of your mom? I'm training the cat not to scratch the furniture.'

'It's okay. Haven't you heard of the 5 day rule?'