Swag Humorist Gifts

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

'Nothing on the sign says I have to have a person with me.'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Three-way mirror

Dion hires an image consultant: Ineresting. Now let's try Western and then Hip-Hop.

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"Can't you fellas read the sign? I can't let you wheel him in here."

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'It's time for a bold new direction...I'm changing my catchphrase from 'lock and load' to 'yank and crank.''

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'Two pints of blonde please.'

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

People talking through a stethoscope.

'I'm teaching him to give me a doggie treat when I stay perfectly still...'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

'I'm having what he's having.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

''Have you got any cockroaches?"

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

popcorn...

"You know, your poker face is useless if you keep wagging your tail."

Arctic Sign - You are here.