Swag Humorist Mugs

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Nothing on the sign says I have to have a person with me.'

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Three-way mirror

Dion hires an image consultant: Ineresting. Now let's try Western and then Hip-Hop.

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Can't you fellas read the sign? I can't let you wheel him in here."

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

Do not feed the bears. But you can contribute to our Kickstarter fund.

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'It's time for a bold new direction...I'm changing my catchphrase from 'lock and load' to 'yank and crank.''

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

'Two pints of blonde please.'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

'I'm having what he's having.'

People talking through a stethoscope.

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

popcorn...

''Have you got any cockroaches?"

"You know, your poker face is useless if you keep wagging your tail."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

'I'm teaching him to give me a doggie treat when I stay perfectly still...'

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"