Nagging Humorist Pillows

Don't worry, I'll use my standard excuse: "Sorry I'm late Darling, but I was beached for two hours"...

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

Some days, we all just feel like a little take-out lo mein.

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

Now Hiring. Artificial Intelligence & Research Lab. "Artificial Intelligence"? Great! I'd be a real asset to your project since I'm not as intelligent as I look!

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. X.

1,000 places to see after you die by Shirley Maclaine.

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

"Your room is exactly as you left it."

'My 70th...hmmm.. that's shelter, food and sex out of the way. I guess it's time to move on to life's next challenge; mastery over my environment.'

"Honey! Remember when we first met and you used to nibble my ear?"

"They don't play Mummies and Daddies these days-now its Wife Swappies!"

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

'Dad, is it true that before we had hard drive crashes, the dog used to eat your homework?'

'Well the dog's been passively smoking our fags for the past ten years, so I think it's only fair that he has a nicotene patch too.'

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

'I'm teaching him to give me a doggie treat when I stay perfectly still...'

"I'm not sure if that's William Shatner or Deadpool without his mask."

"You know, your poker face is useless if you keep wagging your tail."

Baby boomers anthem.

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

'Before you look at that, you should know I found an old report card of yours in the attic.'

'He flunked everything except 'Self-Esteem.''

'I would like you to please not tell people I'm a stalker!'

'Al was competitive to the end!'

'Remember when Christmas came after hallowe'en?'