Vineyard Touring T-Shirts

"To tourists this just looks like a pile of rotten and damaged grapes. But here at Trendy Vineyards, we look at it and see Special Select Reserve."

"Wow, a full vat of grapes in 32 seconds! You're hired!"

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I make it myself!"

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

'Who's the new guy?'

On Champagne: 'Nobody knows the bubbles I've seen.'

Wine tasting

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

'The first rule of enjoying fine wine is to make sure you and the wine are in the same room.'

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'The yeast cells are flocculating? - I don't think the kids are ready for that.'

Nouveau wine

'Do you do anything with the old casks?'

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'

"Now this is a Francis Ford Coppola. We still haven't been here quite long enough to be drinkable ourselves."

'I think we can skip the resume.'

"Wine is plant-based food."

Wine connoisseur in search of new vintage.(Wine)

"Let me guess. You had it up to here with the world of business, so you packed it all in and started your own winery."

Man crushing grapes with flippers.

'Move? Are you kidding? With the wines the guy next door collects?'

"It's an agreeable little wine."

"If working 12 hours a day in a winery is making you crazy, get a hobby - like making homemade wine."