Veteran Scribe Gifts

'How long have you been submitting novels, Grandad?'

I should be a writer when I grow up...

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"The robots have become self-aware and self-loathing. Now all they do is write novels."

"It's publish or perish, and he hasn't published."

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

"I had that dream again where you're writing down all my fears and anxieties and working them into a screenplay."

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

Waiting Room For Godot.

"Jose Rivera, who wrote the screenplay for 'The Motorcycle Diaries,' is the first Puerto Rican screenwriter to be nominated for an Oscar. He's known for incorporating his life experiences into his award-winning writing."

'It's been five years since leaving Iraq and I'm still getting the sand out my ears.'

'I still write all my novels longhand.'

Dame Edna Sitwell

"Tests! That's one thing I don't like about the end of school. I can't believe it! You're not finished studying, either?"

'We have the ideas for product placement and now all we need is the script.'

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

And I got an honorary Purple Heart for sticking myself with one of my flag pins.

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

Monks form copier service.

"First, let me begin by admitting that the unexpected and rather brazen theft of our teleprompter has left me somewhat speechless."

'Your story is extremely sexist, dubious and dumb, the characters are one-dimensional and primitive. In other words - you wrote a bestseller, mister!'

'It's not his name - It's what he does all the time.'

"I like to be disciplined about my writing, sharpening my pencils and organising my desk in the morning which leaves me time for writers block after lunch and a nervous breakdown in the evening."

"Polishing my mouse just doesn't have the same calming effect as sharpening my pencil."

"Philosopical argument needs an elephant in the room. Can you handle it, sweetie?"

Which useless activity are you doing on your electronic pacifier right now? My what? Your electronic pacifier. Your soother. Your binky. My iPhone is not a "binky". It's an indispensable tool, essential to keeping the busy, modern life running like a well-oiled machine. You can't stand to experience a single moment devoid of activity. Solitude makes you agitated, lonely, bored or insecure. Anytime you feel bad, you reach for your phone. It's your binky. My Twitter followers agree with me that yo

Writing a letter

"Who knew they had interns in the Hoover administration."

'I'm afraid Raymond waited a bit to long to write his memoirs.'

'You know it takes time to write a novel.'

'Wait till you meet him, Mom! He reads books, has a checking account, and can even write script!'

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

City Bank