Valentine's Day Humorist Gifts

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

I see you've been assigned to the platonic love detail this year..

'Americans have gotten so fat, I had to switch my bow and arrows for a harpoon.'

'Colleen? It's Sam. '92? New Year's Eve party? I just found out I'm decaf. You might want to get checked.'

'The party at school was awful! -- The teacher didn't like the Valentine underwear I got for her.'

"Oh Johnny, I like you but not in that way. I'm a platonic solid."

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

"How barbaric! Females should be wooed by colourful displays, not fighting!"

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

Tunnel of Like.

"I think it was good for me. Was it good for you?"

'I love you, Howard, but let's not jump to conclusions.'

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

"Or...we could suggest a three-way."

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

The stone is semi-precious, so I got you two.

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

Dating in 2020

'For the last time, Butchie, I love you but I'm not in love with you.'

Homophone Encounter

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

"I never turn into a prince on a first date."

'I hear they wrote their own vows.'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"Yes, you've taught me a thing or two - but over twenty-plus years that's not much."