Valentine's Day Humorist Gifts

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'Americans have gotten so fat, I had to switch my bow and arrows for a harpoon.'

'Colleen? It's Sam. '92? New Year's Eve party? I just found out I'm decaf. You might want to get checked.'

'The party at school was awful! -- The teacher didn't like the Valentine underwear I got for her.'

"Oh Johnny, I like you but not in that way. I'm a platonic solid."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

"How barbaric! Females should be wooed by colourful displays, not fighting!"

Tunnel of Like.

'I love you, Howard, but let's not jump to conclusions.'

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

"I think it was good for me. Was it good for you?"

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Or...we could suggest a three-way."

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

Homophone Encounter

'For the last time, Butchie, I love you but I'm not in love with you.'

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

Dating in 2020

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

"I never turn into a prince on a first date."

'I hear they wrote their own vows.'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

'Well, I'll be...look at this...there's a song in his heart!'

"Milton Woolburg, founder of traditions, legends, and general flimlam."

"I do not always get what I want...I got you didn't I?"

'A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou - apparently in that order!'