Us Marshal Gifts

Marshal, when you said you were going to clean up this town, we thought you meant...'

High security Santa's grotto

"Some fitting room. Nothing fits!"

Customer Convention

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"Kid!! We know you're in there!!! Either come out or commence to fightin'!!!!"

Pirates at the mall.

Island of Lost Guys.

"Well, I have an opening in Cloverdale Mall ... let me hear you say Ho Ho Ho."

'You got a search warrant, sheriff?'

'Now, you can SWASH, and you can BUCKLE, but you can't SWASHBUCKLE.'

Justice

'I've decided I'm going to be a fireman when I grow up.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

The Lawman

Hip-hop cops on stage.

'That's for false alarms...'

"Not guilty"

"That's right, think of yourself all the time! I'm the one who will be losing a client for the next twenty years."

Counsel examining witness

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

Judge

"Do you swear you haven't embroidered the truth in your testimony today?"

"Gee, Marshal, he must have been one of the good guys"

"Six fact checkers spontaneously combusting in one election cycle? Yeah, I am starting to see a pattern, Higgins."

"The blaze has taken hold on the eight floor Chief. The C.E.O., V.P. and C.O.O. are trapped in the boardroom!!"

Count Von Moltke.

'Oh yeah. He's the fastest in the west alright. The fastest out of town, at the first sight of trouble.'

"Watch yourself Sheriff....Looks like Billy the Kid is back in town!"

'Wow. The anti-smoking movement really has been successful.'

Barrister pointing out dozing judge to the jury

'...and that M'tud, concludes the case for the prosecution.'

'I feel so much safer with an air marshal on board.'