Urban Conversationalist Gifts

'Hello! I don't believe I've bored you yet...'

Annual run-off at the mouth.

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"Dude, Amazon is so popular they named a river after it."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

The Schmoozy Reaper

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

'It's a doughnut - just eat it!'

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"It's beginning to appear as if I'll never have greatness thrust upon me."

'I drink to bring about change.'

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

"You don't have to schedule a follow-up visit. You just come back whenever you want."

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

"Round of golf or a round of drinks?"

"All the good ones are neutered."

"Still a freelance journalist?"

"I hate rhetorical questions. Know what I mean?"

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

'Last night Gary put me in an impossible position.'