Upholstery Gifts

'It's a thousand pities you had to miss those final weeks of your upholstery class.'

The Upholstery Consultant

"It looks like our house got sick and threw up the attic."

"This realm isn't big enough for both of our killer outfits."

Leda knew it was serious when the visited Ikea together.

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

"It took a lot of work to build this car..."

'For our next party, let's invite a carpenter, a painter and an upholsterer so they can help us clean up afterward.'

The Move.

Fred's Tie: A Momentary Lapse of Judgement or A Cry For Help?

David wasn't sure about the idea of having denim curtains.

'Now I don't know what it's like in New York, but this is Kansas city, and we follow the laws of physics out here.'

'I like this one. Does it come in a backwards version?'

'This caught my eye; Johann Sebastian needs new study curtains - and he does like a good pattern.'

"You're always so depressed, Tom."

Butterfly Woman

"I didn't start seriously accessorizing until my mid-thirties."

"I've been researching a little furniture company that I'd like to rearrange."

"I've up cycled your Chippendale!"

Bad Outfit Alarm.

Santa checking out sleigh beds.

'Pillow too soft?'

"Staying true to our mission, even our security cameras have rose colored lenses."

Coming home to an empty apartment made him realize just how much he needed stuff.

Man to patient on couch: 'I'd like to help, but I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm an upholsterer.'

Her Flag project near completion, Betsy Ross ponders a patriotic way to represent the colonies when inspiration suddenly strikes her.

'I miss my water bed.'

"It's just now starting to get comfortable. Why would I want to buy a new chair?"

Today, business expert, Professor Ernie, will answer questions. The first is from an upholsterer who has lots of business but loses money on every order. The problem is that you're covering everything except your costs! The owner of a baseball team wants to know if you he should re-sign the team's best player, the league leader in double and triples. I don't think he can afford the high base salary. And a perfume company is struggling to survive. Their strategy has been to only produce exo

The reason you will never catch up with your paperwork is that late at night, in a nest of shredded manila folders, your most important files have babies.

'Oooh the Timpsons have got new blinds.' (Blinds read 'Sod off you nosy cow).

"Thanks. I feel much better now."

"I got a little confused in the middle of the surgery, but on the whole I think the upholster-plaster was a terrific success."

"Honey, those shoes are terrific!" "...That should get me through the week."

'Who knew you could have vanity wings!'