Upholsterer Gifts

Man to patient on couch: 'I'd like to help, but I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm an upholsterer.'

Her Flag project near completion, Betsy Ross ponders a patriotic way to represent the colonies when inspiration suddenly strikes her.

"You'll have to decide - become either an upholsterer or a re-upholsterer."

F&E Upholstery. Is business finally picking up after the economic downturn? We're recovering.

Today, business expert, Professor Ernie, will answer questions. The first is from an upholsterer who has lots of business but loses money on every order. The problem is that you're covering everything except your costs! The owner of a baseball team wants to know if you he should re-sign the team's best player, the league leader in double and triples. I don't think he can afford the high base salary. And a perfume company is struggling to survive. Their strategy has been to only produce exo

"I got a little confused in the middle of the surgery, but on the whole I think the upholster-plaster was a terrific success."

The Upholstery Consultant

'For our next party, let's invite a carpenter, a painter and an upholsterer so they can help us clean up afterward.'

'I hear your brother fell into an upholstery machine.'

"I had an accident at the upholstery factory - I'm fully recovered now."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

"It took a lot of work to build this car..."

Young Doctor, Young Nurse, Young Undertaker

The Move.

'I think this is deep enough for the foundations!'

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Artex cartoon

'At least they did a good job on him.'

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

'I made a Valentine's Day card for you. The school has no art supplies so I wrote the color in.'

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

'Now I don't know what it's like in New York, but this is Kansas city, and we follow the laws of physics out here.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"You're always so depressed, Tom."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Garage Sale (sign originally read 'Garbage' sale).

"Oh-oh...the way she said 'Jason'...I think its time to define the relationship."

Undertaker with 'light', 'done', and 'RIP' settings on his toaster.

Chicken Funeral Planning.

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"Gracie, can you make me soar?"

Undertaker's Flower Box.

"Deputy, round up a posse, I can't find my phone."