Unpredictable Investor Gifts

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

Stock market investment advice

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

"You should consider buying."

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

Animal worries.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

"I crunched the numbers until cautiously opportunistic."

'Investors Chronicle' "How do I know whether to buy it or not?"

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

At The Clown Bank.

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'Finzter, our newest investment adviser, believes that money can make you happy.'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

'One look at you and I thought 'footsie world stock fund.''

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

'How about a romantic caper about two lost souls who meet and find happiness investing in mutual funds.'