Ironic Investor Gifts

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

Jeff discovered a new bank account where his money would always be safe.

'On Wall Street today, ther was good news if you're a masochist.'

"You're looking at a guy who parlayed innovative financing, a little bit of money and unbridled greed into crippling debt."

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

"Sell the Sahara!"

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

"Your 'Luddite Fund' is up 20% this year, but its Yelp reviews are very negative."

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

"We were poor and had the good sense to be miserable."

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'What's this, lad? Didn't I tell you not to carry anything heavy!'

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

'I can't take all the credit. My childhood imaginary friend picked a lot of my stocks.'