Ironic Investors Gifts

"Reinvesting all profits from this gym into a string of donut shops is job security."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

"We were poor and had the good sense to be miserable."

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"I found another great book about living with less stuff."

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I believe in Santa Claus, and I believe in the guaranteed annual 10% return.'

"Well, that's not a good market indicator."

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

'What's this, lad? Didn't I tell you not to carry anything heavy!'

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

'If Jesus died to forgive our sins, the least we can do is commit a few.'

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

"If your faith is so strong, why did you rush to the E.R. instead of your church?"

"But, in the end, you will become bored with that, too."

'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'