Ironic Investors Gifts

"Reinvesting all profits from this gym into a string of donut shops is job security."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

"We were poor and had the good sense to be miserable."

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"I found another great book about living with less stuff."

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I believe in Santa Claus, and I believe in the guaranteed annual 10% return.'

It is what it is. Settle down! Stop being such a worrywart. What's the worst that could happen? Inactivists.

'What's this, lad? Didn't I tell you not to carry anything heavy!'

"Well, that's not a good market indicator."

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

'If Jesus died to forgive our sins, the least we can do is commit a few.'

Summarizing the obvious: The gang, lost in Nowheresville, Utah, was saved by the spirit of Sadie Cohen, warning them how to get to safety. But how, and why? Stow it. Sadie and her spirit couldn't stand the idea of being without us. It would've left her with no one to despise. I feel so needed. My spirit is on lockdown!!!

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, Al. I might have found that quote useful if not for my deadly fear of hobgoblins.

"If your faith is so strong, why did you rush to the E.R. instead of your church?"

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? Where do you think I should invest my tax refund? That's a great question. In my day, most people would've opted to put the funds into your standard Serta, or even a newfangled Posturepedic. Those people were morons. The more forward-thinking investor knew she'd run less of a risk of bed bugs eating her fortune if she went with a La-Z-Boy. Um ... ok, ... thanks.

When Intellectuals Dumb Down

'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'