Irony Investor Gifts

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

Department of Who's Your Daddy?

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

Large cap funds

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'