Investment Irony Gifts

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

Last investor in pyramid scheme

Stock market investment advice

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"Originally I wanted to be a stockbroker but found I fainted at the sight of money.''

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

"Willis has kindly agreed to sum up our current financial position."

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

"It's a bill."

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

"Well, that's not a good market indicator."

We have boorish stocks for boorish times.

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

'Who's the wise guy?'

'Rumors...'

"Run for your lives! It's one of those sovereign wealth funds."

"So leaving it with a broker didn't do any good at all?"

"Reinvesting all profits from this gym into a string of donut shops is job security."

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

'We can't increase taxes on the rich - the rich are the ones who made America what it is today - and you only hope...someday...'

"He's all the stimulus I need."

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

An office collection for an employee penniless from too many office collections

First Church of Fiscal Morality: The Meek Shall Inherit The National Debt!

Off the wall financial adviser.

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? Where do you think I should invest my tax refund? That's a great question. In my day, most people would've opted to put the funds into your standard Serta, or even a newfangled Posturepedic. Those people were morons. The more forward-thinking investor knew she'd run less of a risk of bed bugs eating her fortune if she went with a La-Z-Boy. Um ... ok, ... thanks.