Unlucky Investor Gifts

'Why do the bad things that happen to stupid investors always happen to me?'

Stock market investment advice

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

The Stock Market.

"All yours, Buddy. I'm ALREADY living on house money."

I have a dream.

UP Again: Housing Prices.

'Look on the bright side - Our investments with Bernie Madoff must REALLY be paying off by now!'

At The Clown Bank.

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"I'm not goofing off. I'm letting my money work for me."

'My accounts aren't insured, but it's the risk I take for higher interest rates.'

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'See if our technical people can get this up and running.'

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

'He made a lot of money investing in what he knew - dog biscuit and rawhide bone futures.'

Please Help Me Get Back To Buying Risky Stocks On Margin.

'I've decided to hang in for the long-term. Maybe even all day!'

'Boy, is Mom going to be happy when she hears we melted down her gold cards and got $950 an ounce for them!'

Truth in labeling: If it sounds too good to be true. . . investments, stocks, bonds & mutual funds - formally fly-by nite investments.

Investment Services. I have a tidy sum I'd like to turn into a great big mess.

To complete your withdrawal, select denomination. $20's $10's Heads Tails

'Get rich quick schemes - $1,000,000 each.'

My windfall has been downgraded to an overdraft.

"He has no problem crashing into a wall at 150 KPH, but when it comes to investing in crypto currencies. . ."

Help! Seized the Day - but it was the day the dow dropped 1,000 points.

". . . while Rip slept, his stock portfolio went way up. . . and everyone lived happily ever after."

Some black sheep at the financial consulting branch are working with cheap tricks.

'I'd rather hear about the more relevant pyramiding schemes.'

'Let's just round this column off to the nearest nickel.'

"My mistake was buying shares in the company. I now worry about the lousy work I turn out."

A book titled 'Tales from the Crypto'.

'Have no fear, we won't be suffering the same naive investment errors as other councils, I've placed our funds safely in the account of a deposed Nigerian General who just emailed me.'

'Eddie, my advice is to buy the stock now. If the company goes bankrupt, the stock will become a collector's item, and the price will soar!'