Sarcastic Investor Gifts

'Let's just round this column off to the nearest nickel.'

'Have no fear, we won't be suffering the same naive investment errors as other councils, I've placed our funds safely in the account of a deposed Nigerian General who just emailed me.'

Investment Services. I have a tidy sum I'd like to turn into a great big mess.

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Stock market investment advice

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"The end of my patience is near!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."