University Dean Gifts

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'I'd like to change my major from electrical engineering to English or something.'

'Reading this grant proposal, I conclude that you must have gotten an A in creative writing.'

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

'What's the point of being guaranteed an education if I'm not guaranteed a job.'

"Check it out."

"I gave permission for you to Skype my class, not skip it."

"The University has to stop regarding students as empty vessels desperate to be filled with the fruits of human learning... and more as potential profit centres."

Alternative Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons

'How dare you deny my son's application because of his low SAT scores! Everyone knows that test is culturally biased.'

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

'Dear, the Dean of Retrenchment and -I believe she said - Firings is on the phone for you.'

'And where did you catch our Dean playing truant, officer?'

'Jeckers, when I was a student we commonly ate poultry...

"Ok, give it to me straight. How big of a donation is required for an honorary PhD?"

Someone's making the dean's list.

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

'Well, I must say I never thought team-building exercises could be such fun.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Do you have a minute, Bob? I'd like to speak with you about the concept of 'leadership'."

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

Dave realised that Clive didn't see problems,only 'challenges to be embraced'.

"The state of graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my colleegs agrree that there maths isn't much better."