College Dean Gifts

'You know we can't give you a raise right now, but I'll put you on the honor roll.'

'I know crime doesn't pay, Dean Fenton, but neither does being an adjunct educator of philosophy at a community college.'

"There was no hazing involved. We simply beat him up."

Help Wanted: UC President

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

An ancient Egyptian exhibit at a museum.

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

Saving for College.

"No, the Geo Metros, Hyundais, Rabbits, and Kias belong to faculty - the Alfa Romeos, BMWs, and Volvos belong to students."

'You have failed on all counts...'

'I wanted to ask you about life-experience credit.'

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.

The Further Temptations of Kenneth Starr

'What do you mean you didn't learn anything? You learned how to tackle, didn't you?'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'I believe you're thinking of leaving us, Brother?'

A statue dedicated to "The Unknown Academic Infighter" stands outside a college campus.

Academics at the Beach: Professor Wilson receives his email messages by the use of willpower alone.

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

'Oh, yeah? Well, my kid has accrued more college loan debt than your kid!'

"Dean Williams, the grant committee approved my research grant to determine how many research grants are a waste of government money!"

"If Shakespeare were alive today, he would be driving this make of Sports Utility Vehicle."

Professor Dubreuil is blow away by the dynamic vitality of Dean Richmond's rhetoric.

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

"How do we make sure the students' voices are heard, but get them to be quiet at the same time?"

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

"I hope that this is just a riot of passage."

The Department Chairs react to the budget cuts.

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"I'm in a molting period. I'm shedding all of my French philosophers."