University Chancellor Gifts

"The University has to stop regarding students as empty vessels desperate to be filled with the fruits of human learning... and more as potential profit centres."

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"Make a lot of money."

'Desert island cartoons - and you?'

U of Debt

University Soapflakes

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"So, what does everyone think of XX81's suggestion for increased funding into AI research?"

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"I understand the revisionists are hot on your trail, Professor Delauney."

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"Remember, education pays, unless you end up an adjunct - like me."

National Academy of Sport

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

Chicken soup for the adjunct professors soul

"No, the Geo Metros, Hyundais, Rabbits, and Kias belong to faculty - the Alfa Romeos, BMWs, and Volvos belong to students."

University Cafeteria. The first semester of college is tough. I'm not taking geography because I couldn't find the classroom on the map. I'm way behind on my archeology assignments. I'm buried and need to dig my way out. And everybody in political science lies and cheats to get ahead. How are you doing in statistics? I think I'm doing very well! My test scores are hugely below the class median. I should probably learn what that means.

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"The state of graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my colleegs agrree that there maths isn't much better."

Bearded Leftie.

'You have failed on all counts...'

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

'Let's go home and come back next year. It's Ground Hog Deficit!'

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

"This guy might like fiddling with numbers, Dad – but is he any good at sums?"

"My husband's the academic. I just like to travel. I'm more of a pandemic."

'And from this point follow me very carefully.'