University Administrator Gifts

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

"The university is delighted with the endowment but is there any flexibility over calling it the 'who's the rich one now you toffee nosed bastards' wing?"

'..And remember, your success will be measured in how much you donate to the university's alumni fund.'

"Congratulations. Please remember the college's financial plight. Congratulations. Please remember the college's financial plight. Congratulations. Please remember . . ."

Tuition fees.

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

Are you sure this is the best way to fill the endowed chair?

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

College admissions office: 'We give preference to 'minorities' whose parents donated to our alumni fund.'

'We need to strike the right tone between asking and deperately pleading in our alumni solicitation letters.'

Ticking the right boxes.

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

'Okay, okay. Rolling, you can be the assistant Directing Chairman. Smith, you'll be the Resident Vice-Chancellor Emeritus. And Rothstein, you're the Head Executive Supervising Associate Dean. Settled?'

"They all failed?! What on earth was the question?" "How do you fund a university?"

'And I see you have a degree from the University of Wikipedia...'

'And here is our annual message to the alumni.'

"The University has to stop regarding students as empty vessels desperate to be filled with the fruits of human learning... and more as potential profit centres."

'one of our major contributors suggested we add a Scared Straight program to our MBA curriculum.'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

'You know we can't give you a raise right now, but I'll put you on the honor roll.'

"He's planning cuts in your department Miss Boleyn."

"This is going to set of a whole batch of legal admissions challenges."

A Student Loan Offer You Can't Refuse

'I'm worried -- It's getting harder and harder to qualify for Federal grants!'

"Find two or three alumni who actually have jobs and profile them as success stories."

"Yes, our students complain about spending thousands on our bogus online programs. They paid for a real world education and that's what we gave them."

"I'm shocked and appalled at fraudulent applicants bribing their way in here!"

"Higher learning gets higher each year."

'The owners of Walmart have donated $275 million to Arizona State University. The donation will be in the form of dented plastic jugs and leftover Valentine's Day candy.'

'I'd like to apply for a student loan please - about eighteen, dark hair, a nice firm bottom...'

Dance Course "How are course applications going" "Slow,slow,fast,fast,slow..."

'Hold on, the university is eliminating the duelling team. They're no longer willing to tolerate the low graduation rate.'

Gone for Broke College

"Dr. Henry, it looks like I got the nod to head up the 'overseas' campus."