Faculty Leader Gifts

"How do we make sure the students' voices are heard, but get them to be quiet at the same time?"

Who should be the next eco-club president? The most vegan? The most carbon neutral? The most into solar? Eco-club. But we need someone who will attract kids to the environmental cause. Then it's obvious. The most popular. Or most athletic!

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'Long term I want student achievement to increase. Short time I want a cup of coffee and a biscotti.'

"The state of graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my colleegs agrree that there maths isn't much better."

"The meeting was canceled after an outbreak of contagious yawning!"

The Janitor at the Harvard University Alumni Reunion is one of the Gang.

"Congratulations Professor, the committee 'okayed' your grant request."

Safe spaces?

End of Affirmative Action

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'Nice work. A fluid work force with a minimum of drips.'

J.P.Hensmore Superintendent AKA Head Honcho, The Big Guy,The Man, Numero Uno and The Big Cheese.

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

"Hello sir? I believe your name is Grant. Would you mind if I ask you a few questions about yourself?"

"If Shakespeare were alive today, he would be driving this make of Sports Utility Vehicle."

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Psychology Dept. Faculty Evaluations Today. I can't tell if it's my id or my ego, but I'm really craving a promotion.

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

Academics at the Beach: Professor Wilson receives his email messages by the use of willpower alone.

Washington Crossing the Delaware, Having Been Invited to Join the Faculty at Princeton

"They've decided to resolve the department's conflicting educational philosophies."

'Loose lips sink principalships.'

"It's the superintendent's idea of alternative dispute resolution."

Alexander Pope.

Academic Jeopardy - "Reality divided by two gives us this truth."

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

"I'm basically a Rimbaudist, but with a little Ferlinghetti thrown in on my father's side."

Under strict laboratory conditions extensive research proves that, despite being watched, pots do eventually boil.

"I'm in a molting period. I'm shedding all of my French philosophers."

Grants Office Scientific Research Section.

Diversity-Challenged

'Come out of that cupboard. If you can't stand up to the class bully, who will? After all, you are the Headmaster...?'