University Applicant Humor Gifts

She'll probably get in through clearing.

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Room-mate Homicides Waiting to Happen. . .

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'You're lucky! Your teacher never gives you any homework.'

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

Breakfast at Universities

"I'd like to propose a bill to the effect that we can remain freshmen indefinitely."

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

Undergraduate and don

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Goes To College

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

'I got a darn D-plus, and that's WITH cheating!'

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.

Man sees college fraternity houses 'Kappa Phi', 'Aeta Epsalon' and then 'Beta Carotene', says, 'They major in nutrition.'

'My son is away at college, majoring in communications. He never calls and he never writes.'

"Phil's a living legend on this campus. His last grant proposal won a Pulitzer."

'Nobody likes a bartender who went to college.'

"Let me guess, you joined Alpha Delta Dogma"

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

'I recommend you major in something other than meat.'

The Pi Advantage

"Here's my final exam. My lawyer said I didn't have to answer any of these questions."