Job Applicant Humor Gifts

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"What's your occupation?"

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"There's another one of those blokes that work from home."

"It's my conscience... It's all achy"

'I'm afraid he's a bit tied up right now'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'As a consultant, my job is to speak to you as if I knew how your business worked.'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

Will work for question marks.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

"Sir, are all these compliments and this reminiscing about my time here leading up to my termination?"

New To The Job: Pizza Delivery Guy

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

Well the good news is that you'll be leading the team...And the BAD news...you ARE the team!

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

"Do you ever feel like you're just here for the paycheck?"

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

"And what makes you think you have the necessary qualities for working on the bins?"