Job Hunter Humor Gifts

'I get out in sixty days -- I guess I better update my resume.'

I'm going to put on my resume, fuel efficiency pioneer.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"What's your occupation?"

"There's another one of those blokes that work from home."

'Are you free at the moment?'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

In the off season I do temp work.

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Will work for question marks.

Well the good news is that you'll be leading the team...And the BAD news...you ARE the team!

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Hurry, son! The economy is almost at full employment! Better get a job before they're all gone!"

"And what makes you think you have the necessary qualities for working on the bins?"

"Can you handle a variety of jobs?"

"And this is our head of HR who will be arranging your contract."

"What quality do you have, that will make us hire you as our new telephone support employee?"

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

'Have you worked at a non-profit before?' 'Yes! and believe it or not, they blamed me!'

"You should have mentioned in your resume that you could only do it once."